hidy

And then it was-

You come home. You see the same people you always used to see.

You talk.

You laugh. You drink. You feel. Memories flood your brain and make you think things you'd thought a million times before. But you blew them off then. No longer. Because it's always different in the flesh.

And then you realize: It doesn't really matter.

'Cause we're all lost, and we're all confused. And there's nothing in this world that's ever going to be solid true.

Nothing that I can see, at least.



This song is perfect.

Yehp, I

just cried while watching Little Women. Uh huh. Cried.

You know which one, too. The one with Winona Ryder, pre shop-lifting.
Ah, those were the days.

Anyways, I was watching her AGAIN on AMC with monsieur Keanu AGAIN actually (I just saw Something's Gotta Give, too; you can't really complain about Direct TV, they do really have the best movie viewing options...or at least they've got some variety, we'll give them that), and that nice montage came on. The one with the Sufjan Stevens song about Christmas.

I've got my head set on finding that.

Ah, and there it is. I'm good.



Anyways, it got me thinking about this one Victoria Legent/Grizzly Bear song that CARRIED me through last year.

Carried...or buried. Not sure which. Either way...tis a lovely song. More than lovely. Many more.



Speaks for itself.

remind me

TO NEVER get back on facebook again.

god.

ignominiously

Since when am I nocturnal?

Oh yeah, since I finally got a BREAK from the tedium of school. It’s my own fault; I’m a lazy jackass who honestly deserves to flunk out of school, just so I can be faced with my misery. Then maybe I’ll make something of myself and finally DO something worth doing. Maybe then I’ll know. Maybe then I’ll stop “being afraid.”

Probably not though.

But damn. Why can’t I be one of those go-getting hard-working people who know what they want and who go for it? Why am I so lacking in anything? I feel like everyday I’m constantly being faced with my own inadequacy at life. Stuck in some sort of delusional alternate-reality state where I’m just wishing things to be what they’re not. All I’ve got are alternate endings and soundstrack listings and quotes. Endless. Unreal. Doesn’t matter how pretty the picture is. Or how interesting. It’s still a picture, and it’s still worthless.

I really want some Persol’s.

What the HELL is up with snuggies anyways? I mean honestly, no matter how convenient they may just be, they honestly make one look like a complete douchebag asshole. Honestly.

Oh, I’m watching TV that’s why. Surprisingly there’s quite a nice movie on. Not sure if you’d remember it. A Lot Like Love. Amanda What’s Her Name and Ashton Kutcher. I remember when I first watched it, I was like fifteen. I so projected my current feelings on that movie. My little fifteen year old emotions and dreams. God I was so...young. There’s really no other way to put it. Not pathetic, not stupid...just young.

Not that I’m any more mature or wise now. Nearly twenty doesn’t really do much to things like that. At least not when it comes to me.

Anyways...

What is it about hoodies that just instantly make me feel so much better? I’ve been lounging around my pjs all day, doing stupid chores (ok, not really stupid, but- oh my God what is it about that actor that played Kumar and that doctor from house who offed himself that’s just so awesome? I love that guy!) and I was wearing this really ugly pullover all day (no offense nata) but I had to change it finally because I made salmon and I smelled like salmon and then voila! Hoody. Instant awesomeness. Ok, well maybe not awesomeness but I just felt cooler..better. More myself. Not so much of a sad homebody. I guess that’s the truth about myself that I’ve never been able to own up to.

I’m a homebody. I always have been. Yeah, maybe I had this weird phase where I supposedly wasn’t oooh go to Adam&Eve.com and add some SPICE to your LIFE! Ha. God, late night TV is hilarious. Glad there’s no porn to worry about.

Seriously, I love this movie. It’s true. That’s what it’s like. Things are awkward and weird and it’s always about finding the right person. The one that gets you no matter what. Does that really make everything ok? Like no matter what kind of shithole your life is currently in, as long as you’ve got that significant other, you can deal?

I mean, for a lot of people that’s God. I know it SHOULD be God, At least for me. But for some reason it just doesn’t take anymore.

Anyways. The hoody. The hoody is home. Hanna’s little sister Talia once mentioned something about how she was iffy about this guy because he didn’t like to wear hoodys. I’d be iffy too. What a weirdo. Hoodys are america. Hoodys are the youth of our nation.

Peet. Amanda Peet. That’s her name.

God this is so sweet. I’m so depressed.

Honestly, this makes me think about the same person. Always. God, I was lying before. I was and am pathetic. And THAT is why I must move to france. Ha ha ha.

Ah! Now it comes to me! This movie made me love Brighter than Sunshine, by Aqualung.

“Don’t. You’ll ruin it.”

Oh, ah there it is. Look What You’ve Done, Jet. Jeez. I feel like all of my music comes from movies in some way or another.

Oh, yet another thing I wish. I wish I was a genius like Mark Zuckerberg.

Or like Sofia Coppola.

Sigh.

“Oliver, this is your life. Right now. It doesn’t wait for you to get back on your feet.” It had to be a deaf guy.

It’s like this cosmic sign.

Right?

oh yes let's just

DIE.

FALTA

poco :}

oh

dear oh dear.

what good is it to do anything if you can't do anything?

hunger. or boredom? or am i cold..?

will now scamp off in search of a pb&j.

possibly will have to steal some of roomate's peanut butter.

doubt she'll notice.

conscience will suffer; briefly.

ha HA

speaking of which...

i want a cat. yep. that's right. her name will be jack. and we'll be pals.
good ol' jack and I.

little miss jack.

(sigh)

Ah

ha ha, ha ha ha ha.

yes. i am DONE with 3 finals, one more to go.

vengeance will soon be mine. warmth and comfort and drugs and satisfaction!!

not really. god my teeth hurt. stupid whitening strips giving me gum sensitivity or some nonsense.

i just enjoyed a lovely bowl of oatmeal. sans milk. yep. i was feeling watery oatmeal today. it was quite quite delicieux. did i mention my teeth fucking HURT? because that's honestly the only thing i can think of right now besides the fact that my clothes is piling atop my poor sad bed/room in a manner that can only be described as vomitous? I know, i know, perhaps that sounds like i'm hyperbolating. No, i'm not actually. Well, maybe a bit. But i also feel incredibly slovenly and -did i let on that my teeth hurt? Yes, yes they do. all this for the pursuit of whiter dentrifices. stupidity. wait. perhaps not. because i know for a fact that white teeth look nice. yes. they look clean. people with white teeth are clean people. people with white teeth are nice. people with white teeth are the product of a healthy life. ah, perhaps my white teeth will even be a physical reflection of the purity and cleanliness of my soul!

did i mention my teeth HURT?????

but of course, white teeth = good teeth. but of course. and were it not for my white teeth (amongst the EXCRUCIATING PAIN of FONGING -yes, that IS actually a word) i would not be beautiful. my white teeth = beauty.

yes. that's right. absolutely.

now if i could just get a hold of some barbiturates....

ha HA. you thought i was serious now didn't you?? well i was most definitely not. one musn't trifle with that sort of thing. why, barbiturates and other such drugs are HIGHLY dangerous and addictive! no no. one must never utter the word.

oh dear. i feel that i musn't continue. else i should have to speak in "hushed tones." oh dear.

the inadequacy of it all.

MY TEETH ARE KILLING ME.

and to top it off, my apartment feels like the fucking Gobi desert minus the beautiful starry night (and hypothermic-induced death, of course). my pooah little toes. well, more like big toes. my feet are rather large. perhaps you didn't know that. well they are. i am convinced, however, that they were created this way for a specific purpose. such as balancing out my clumsiness, or serving me in some future life situation that i am sure will be highly dangerous and my survival will depend -believe it or not- on the incredibly LARGE SIZE of my feet.

take that DARWIN. natural selection my FOOT.

ha ha

mein gott my teeth.


i just popped two pills. ibuprofen. oh mon dieux i hope it goes away.

DIE

FEARDOG, DIE!!!!!!!!!


5 days til freedom.

or free-doom.

w/e.

excerpt

Just a spoonful of sugar.

Makes the medicine go down.

In an oh-so-frightful way.

(from "Broke" by N. VALENCIA)

whoa

so what does this make me?



i'm scared.

all it takes

is a song and a memory.

g'bye reason.

>

slickers unite! don't you like it on the sly.
don't you like it til it hurts?

yessir.

only in the morning.

why don't i write anymore, you ask?
i've been asking myself the same exact thing lately.

i think i died.
again.

la la la la

I. Am. Slain.



Drove back up last night. Had some deep covo with the sister. Very deep. Deeper than the maraianas trench. Deeper than the US's love of mcdonalds and capitalistic murder.

But alas and alack. Dead week apparently. I am met with. One is so forlorn when faced with it. All I want to do is finish my little book and contemplate the small eccentricities of human form and writing style, and how I knew all along about Gossip Girl. Something that popular could no way be originally conceived from some O.C. writing mind. Not to say it's not clever. It is. Perhaps I'm just another cheerless prole.

and i'm short on rent.

zut alors.... mais c'est la vie, non?

see you

soon, boys.

I

saw this today.



West Anderson's best -that I've seen- so far.

Too tired/lazy to write anything else.

:]

this

is me.



Because I said so, I know so.

m

soup.

I made carrot soup the other day. It was bomb. I was pleasantly and ecstatically surprised.

I can't cook worth a damn.

But my soup was ah-mazing. Two people agreed. That counts as being legitimately good.

Soup is the best thing to eat in the world. After that is japanese food.



p.s. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows = Awesome.

good

oh

games
games
games



humor me, bacchus.
induce me into contrived fantasy and make my imaginings reality.

i read

The Danish philosopher, Soren Kierkegaard, defines dread as the knowledge of what you must do to prove you’re free, even if it will destroy you. His example is Adam in the Garden of Eden, happy and content until God shows him the Tree of Knowledge and says, “Don’t eat this.” Now, Adam is no longer free. Thee is one rule he can break, hemust break to prove his freedom, even if it destroys him. Kierkegaard says the moment we are forbidden to do something, we will do it. It is in- evitable. Monkey think, monkey do. According to Kierkegaard, the person who allows the law to control his life, who says the possible isn’t possible just because it’s illegal, is leading the inauthentic life.

Sketch. My studying is but a preparation for an unseen result. I can't do this, I can't do that. I'm going crazy, everything makes me go crazy. I'll lose my mind before I do this, I'll do that before I lose my mind. I really want this, but I'm going to do that. I'm pretending. So are you. I'm scared. Shit-less. Life life life. Will anything take away the fear? No.

I'm confused
You're confused
We're all confused and amused and diffused.
howl howl howl
hardy har har

Someday it'll come to you.

At least, that's what we all hope for.

Today I read many disturbing things. What goes on in some of these twisted human minds. What. Goes. On.

Got the best image too. A confused one.

Feb. 22 '05
counselor.

stalkin

the homies.


http://alfonsoazcaiturrieta.bandcamp.com/

:]

ennui

can't understand why.
slightly bothered by it.
slightly.
nearly reconciled.
almost.
barely wondering.
should I?



what does it matter what anyone thinks anyways?
actually, it doesn't. right? so why does it then?
no fun
not happy

you know you never got the call coz i didn't want the rrrromance.

cancel sunday
cancel monday
don't look at me

been runnin on the no tomorrow road at great speed.

don't forget my cigarettes and get somethin that we can drink. ;}

f-f-friday
come to me already
you know you wanna


said. the cheerleader.
said, the
mind reader

when they all should let us BE
we belong to YOU AND ME.

sounds and laughs and strumming nights
no worries in the soir
it all comes crashing down in the AM
AM stupid
AM wrong
AM ready
AM NOT
gonna do this

bored. you're bored.
we're bored.
i, you, us, we?

sometimes i feel so happy
sometimes i feel so sad
sometimes i feel so happy
but mostly you just make me mad
baby you just
make me MAD.

baby you just
make me mad.

linger on...

vets

we salute you.

"To us in America, the reflections of Armistice Day will be filled with lots of pride in the heroism of those who died in the country's service and with gratitude for the victory, both because of the thing from which it has freed us and because of the opportunity it has given America to show her sympathy with peace and justice in the councils of the nations." - Pres. WW

Thanks guys. You're some brave cats.

I really want to watch this. I love this kind of stuff.



And I've especially always wanted to know (even if it will be dramatized) why and how exactly the Alexandria library was burned. I remember reading about it in this young adult fiction about Cleopatra.

So excited.

p.s. you know you're out of food when your lunch looks like you're eating bugs. oh well. in any case, veggie burgers=awesome. don't care what the haters say.

dear

cold war kids:

have fun at your show tonight. i know I won't be.



instead, i'll be trying to memorize a shitload of chapters on the golgi and ldls, and oogenesesis, among other such things.

i wish i could be bringing my buckets the dozens.

oh meg. i wish i would've listened to you when you said "you wanna be an writer. well DON'T. Be a DOCTOR."

HA HA HA

oh the irony of life.

we are all

No WAY in Hell that there's a human being out there who can match up to perfection. At least I can admit that I'm a flake and that I'm unreliable, and that I'm imperfect. At least I'm not pretending to be something I'm not.

Honestly, when people talk about deja vu and other such things, I think this is what they mean. Deja vu isn't some sort of recurrent event in life as people would think. It's simpler than that. It's a real, live motif. Tangible. Our reality is ever present and there is no past or future. Just an ongoing event, an ongoing story, an ever-present spectacle. And death, is only the beginning. And just because our reality is our perception of this world, just because "now we see through a glass, darkly," that does NOT make it any less true or real. Just blurred. Even as I take my glasses off, there is a haze to my surroundings, yet I can still see color and shape and form. Perhaps is is not as clear or sharp, the resolution not as bright, but I am certain that I am one hundred percent certain that I am here and not there.

And you know what? People say idiot things and chase the stupidest dreams. But it's ours to chase. Ultimately.

If only there was a true knowledge of the truth, yes? But that's exactly what we're all looking for. Truth.

And I think most of us go wild over simplicity, because ultimately, it is so very simple. Yet we are loath to face the truth of the matter entirely. Because we are too prideful to admit defeat.

And THAT is why man falls, over and over again.

gnar

fast talkers

& slow thinkers

never gets old.



"Tell me the truth, Frank, remember that? We used to live by it. And you know what's so good about the truth? Everyone knows what it is however long they've lived without it. No one forgets the truth, Frank, they just get better at lying."







soul



Pt. I only
exclude Pt. II, III



always.


"Hopeless emptiness. Now you've said it. Plenty of people are onto the emptiness, but it takes real guts to see the hopelessness."

nwyot

dangerous combination of sophomore slump & doubting thomases running rampant in iv.

where are they sir? i'll believe it when i see it.



we all see the truth that we want to.

†

"Belief is a wise wager. Granted that faith cannot be proved, what harm will come to you if you gamble on its truth and it proves false? If you gain, you gain all; if you lose, you lose nothing. Wager, then, without hesitation, that He exists."



This song is seriously how God feels about us.

I really wish people knew this! I can't imagine how God feels.

God wants to give us all SO SO much!!! Why can the world not recognize Him?

We lack so much faith. Why is it so easy for us to believe in so many things that are so dumb and senseless, yet so difficult for us to believe in Him?

I mean seriously, Pascal was right in the above quote. Ironically, I've found myself repeating the same thing to friends when I speak to them about why I believe in God.

It's true, it IS a wise wager. But as Dante said, facilus descensus averni "the descent into Hell is easy." Indeed, Christ himself said it in Matthew 7:13 "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it."

It's easy to do what's wrong, it's doing what's right that's much more difficult. But it is a task rightfully taken up, and a worthy burden that leads to great riches in Christ himself!

the question

i am constantly asking myself these days is:

what the HELL am I DOING?!?!?!

been

procrastinating.

look what i found though:



I actually got it from the wildfox couture website.

i love them. seriously. they make my type of stuff. i've always been more of a t-shirt person and they GET IT. Like they just get it. You know?

Check it out:



not diggin the weird witchcraft thing but the clothes...damn.

And it features my favorite UO model. I knew she would go big. She's beautiful and has this distinct look. Fresh yet interesting...

feelin

it today



:D

endless

dreams, that is.

life: not so much.

clock stops
watch the sky
as it turns blue and black and green
scenes change from dark to night
trees sway in the breeze
and haunt my dreams
and cut off my mind
games and the secrets
and make known truths
for
freedom
a world entire
laughter echoes into the night
a terrible sight it is to
behold the name
goodnight

i've got stories. i'm going to post them one day.

i want to see you cry
and laugh
and cringe
and fear

imagine

What would happen if one day we all decided to be honest.

Just tell the truth. Just let it out, all if it. Every little thing. Truth.

Truth in it's simplest form. Truth as it was meant to be.

Stark, white, poignant, alone. Resonating.

Philippians 3

http://realitymessages.com/audio/20100725_03-32kbps.mp3

What do you love? Are you in love with HIM?
Jesus? The Christ? The truth Mosiach? Son of Hashem, brother of the Shekinah?

Is Christ your treasure? Is He mine?

HIM. Not the concept, not the idea...just Him. Just Jesus.

AM

"No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the Kingdom of God."

Luke 9:62

Intense right?

I read this passage this morning. I usually try to read my Bible before I do anything. It helps me clear my head and just start the day with God. My dad does this. Every single morning. He inspires me to keep going, honestly. My dad's story is one of the craziest I've ever heard. I really admire the way he fights himself to live for God.

And when I find myself looking back, this verse comes to mind. Right here.

Doesn't matter what you were, what you did, what you said. "We all began as something else."

Amen.

But the thing is

"Reality means you live until you die. The real truth is nobody wants reality."

Seconded.

Let's stop playing at it then. Right?
Seriously.

I don't mean some stupid call to arms or whatever. I hate movements, I hate dogmas, I hate philosophies built on idiosyncratic postulations and rules upon rules to follow.

The truest truth is that the truth is simple.

The biggest lie is that life is complicated and that all is meaningless. The biggest lie is that we are all powerful and all knowing.

Get over yourself. If we knew so much, if science was so goddamned right and predictable, the floridan coast wouldn't be the nations newest flammable slip n' slide. Obviously, we as people are found wanting. In more than one area.

Jeez.

I especially hate it when people make excuses. Founded upon blame. Didn't you LEARN anything in Eden? Blame does nothing. The past passes and is over, and all that is left is the present. And "the Present is the moment at which Time touches eternity." So you see? Of what good will it come to do something as vile, as facile, as point the finger of wrong?

TIme for bed. Goodnight sleepless minds.

Today

I did exactly nothing.

Seriously. I mean I woke up and went to class and went to CLAS and stuff...and then I got back and did nada.

Laziness is my newest enemy. Funny the way it changes.



Fuckin nostalgia.

I like this blog coz no one reads it and I can curse and don't feel bad because I'm not really saying it out loud. I mean people do so many things in their minds and not in the Present. Well...it's what we DO that defines us, I think. Well...for the most part.

Alright, I'll be honest. I still felt pretty bad about writing it. I don't care today though, because today was one of those days.

You know the ones.

The ones where you just wake up and something feels off. Can't really put your finger on it, it's just there. And as you brush your teeth and look at your hollow-eyed reflection in the mirror, you realize that the day is wrong. Not bad, not good...just wrong.

I'm not sure if that's something you make yourself. Probably is. Honestly, people are so stupid.

Sometimes I'm just overcome by the senselessness of it all. Just wanna break, get outta here.

Oh, don't get me wrong. I love school, love my life, love my family. No complaints there.

Honestly...it's just life. You get me?

All is vanity. No joke.

truth

“Everyone smiles with that invisible gun to their head.”

But which one?

It's a slippery slope I walk.
like a tight rope
like a high hope
never ending, ever bending, to myself,
against my-self.

White teeth smile
stark against
the black of the
night and the
darkness radiating from
within my
soul.
utter lack of self-
control
questioning insanity
doubting every
certainty

doesn't there become a
point where facts are true or
false is the lie we tell
ourselves?

see

“If death meant just leaving the stage long enough to change costume and come back as a new character...Would you slow down? Or speed up?”

Bring it on.

I mean that's what life is all about right? Being brave isn't because you're already brave. Being brave is doing whatever it is that scares you...and then the bravery comes after. Right?

Trust. Faith.

?

Sometimes when shitty things happen, I just need a good, nice escape.




Take my hand/tonight.
Go ahead/tonight.
Play my game/tonight.
Keep your head/tonight.

^
|

One of today's good discoveries. Not the best. The best will always be that God is with us, no matter what.

But man oh man...these things hit hard and cut deep.

So I was listening

to some really good music today. Older stuff that's always good, you know?



And studying Chem. Chem chem chem.

Chem is cool. But it's quite a challenge. If I am ever able to know chem backwards and forwards, I will feel pretty great.

I'm not sure at all about some things right now. A lot of things. I try and just put it all in God's hands every day. I wonder...I wonder. There's always so much to think about. This or that, right or wrong, yes or no.

I just gotta get through this next day. That's all. That's how things get done, right?

mornings

seem like this to me.



I had a really nice long talk with my friend Alfonso yesterday.

Things like that make me miss home and sometimes, just sometimes, maybe even a little bit of the past.

But, if I've learned any lesson in life that's been incredibly true, it's that one cannot go back; one can only move forward.

I really don't

get it.

WHY

AM I SUCH A COWARD????

vanity

god
noun
1 (God) : a gift from God the Lord, the Almighty, the Creator, the Maker, the Godhead; Allah, Jehovah, Yahweh; (God) the Father, (God) the Son, the Holy Ghost/Spirit, the Holy Trinity; the Great Spirit, Gitchi Manitou; humorous the Man Upstairs.
2 sacrifices to appease the gods deity, goddess, divine being, celestial being, divinity, immortal, avatar. See table.
3 wooden gods idol, graven image, icon, totem, talisman, fetish, juju.


It's funny, because I am wont to get in my moods. I really am. Years of trying to know myself have led me to realize that I can be very temperamental and polar. I remember when we talked about temperaments in personality (as in sanguine, choleric, melancholic and phlegmatic), and my teacher -who was a psychologist- telling me that I was very much of the choleric-melancholic temperament, like a ticking time bomb. Sad but true. Prone to melancholy and strange emotional highs and lows, yet also very stubborn and somewhat controlling and driven. I've always wanted to be the patient sort who wasn't very reactionary, who could think better before they spoke, who could be gracious and kind. Not so.

But alas. No matter how I can be, no matter how high or low or whatever, I am just so grateful that I am living a different kind of life now. Back in the day, if I was feeling too low, I would immediately do something completely stupid, reckless, and irrational. Just out of self-spite or whatever it was, I would simply rebel against the situation. Immaturity, lack of wisdom. Even now, sometimes I have the sudden desire to cast away all concerns and simply do what I would wish. Except I don't. Because things are different now. Because I have Christ. I so understand what Paul says when in Philippians when he writes "For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain." It's true. Because in letting go, in denying myself my sinful pleasures and escapes and desires, my wish for self-exaltation and hedonism, I LIVE in Christ. People don't seem to understand that. They can't grasp the idea of self-sacrifice. In this world, it's nonsensical. It's a foolish notion, for the world lives, breathes, works, so that they can have ALL of their desires. The sole purpose of a worldly life is to take pleasure in one self and one self alone. To reap the work of one's own hands and to spend every moment pleasing the self. Of course, in order to be able to fulfill one's own wishes, one must abide in the law, pay taxes, work...but ultimately, all of these things are only done so that 'we' can be "free." Free to do whatever we want. For ourselves. So then the idea of dying to one's self day in and day out becomes absurd in the eyes of the world, as seen without Christ, without LIFE.

So when I sing, when I cry out to God "You are everything," it's because I really mean it. Because God really IS my everything.

I remember a while back, when I was just pressing into God with all my strength and simply delighting in his favor, in his everlasting mercy and grace which was completely undeserved, I said something which I found to be so hilarious. I was in the last few weeks of spring quarter before finals (maybe even during finals, I can't remember exactly), and I was eating lunch with some friends in the dining commons. I realized that I had so much to do, yet I was going to put it all on hold so that I could go worship and pray and just hang out with my friends who were also Christian believers. And as I reflected about this, I said in my mind, "jeez, God is really becoming my God." And I laughed out loud, because I had uttered that phrase before, but in different situations. I think the last time I said it, it was about music or something stupid like that. Something I spent too much time with, something I obsessed over. The thing that was my go-to when I had a chance to do whatever I wanted. And here I was, dropping everything, homework, studying for a midterm...all my priorities were not thrown out, but completely put on hold, for God. For Jesus. So I could spend time in just awestruck wonderful worship of my Creator. And I laughed. It was so weird, I was so happy. Because it was FINALLY true. God was my GOD. My EVERYTHING.

And that, my friends, is something precious. Something that can only be reached with you just realize that the only way, the only way to ever find God, to every KNOW God, is to have FAITH in God. Everyone is constantly seeking some sort of proof for God. They want evidence, they want cold hard facts and then they'll believe. But it's funny, because God doesn't work like that at all. He really really wants to be 100% sure that you can love Him and trust Him enough to have complete and utter faith in Him, in His everlasting power, His complete existence, His mercy. I mean, would you not do the same? Think about this from God's perspective for a second. He wants you to TRUST, and faith is all about trust. It's like your parents. They'll give you everything, because they love you so much it's insane. All they want, though, is a little trust.

So you see, no matter how bad of person I am, no matter how infallible as a human being I can be, it never really matters if I fail or if I don't. Because God doesn't. My moods aren't worth anything against God's utter control and power of the situation, because He has so much to give.



Please listen to this, and just try and be real with it.

serious.

If I could, I would just lose myself in music every day every moment of every day. It's the only place where things make sense. Why do we even seek explanations for answers that can't be answered?

The key is not to seek an answer, to answer a question. The crux of it all, the answer to that question is simply simple. Just say it. Just write about it, sing about it. Make it real. Make it a solid thing. A declaration, a reverberation. With a loud, resounding YES. And there it is. Released into the world, and there it remains. And it's a truth, and it's a fact. Unanswered but readily evaluated. Truth within a question, questions within non-truths. This isn't abstract thought, world. This is truth. And truth is simple. And the simple truth is that there will always be non-answers and doubts. And the truth is that that's why there is faith. And faith shows us that there can never be a solid rock. Except for God. Therein lies our salvation. Therein lies our answer. To these secrets everywhere. Unanswered but remaining. Just like us.

I think it's funny, because the world makes sense without making sense. There are ever-present motifs occurring in our own lives. I see them all the time, and it makes me laugh. It's not taking myself too seriously, or reading too deeply into things. It's a truth. It's my leap of faith. It's my argument A to B that agrees with my C, my premises and my conclusions. Your prerogative, my friend, is to simply choose to engage with me in this exchange. Either I'm crazy or I take life too seriously.

But honestly: life is a serious thing. If this that we are, this living isn't serious enough for you, I'd hate to be YOU during an unexpected catastrophe. You know the ones. The ones where you're about to die, where you feel the adrenaline rush in your veins, blood-pumping, stomach churching fear, and then everything just gets a little more serious. O you of little faith.

pero porque?

this is us/this is me

you see?

midnight memories and moonlight on my floor

now I shall go to the li-bra-ry.

say a word

"it's the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.
what truth?
that you are a slave. like everyone else you were born into bondage. into a prison that you cannot taste or see or touch. a prison for your mind."

Once again, to that imbecile who scoffed at the 90s...

family

Well, this very moment, my poor stomach is experiencing some really sad...movements. I guess I don't pile on the red meat for a reason. But no matter.

I've got this song stuck in my head. Heard it in worship at the prayer shed one time. It was really good. Can't remember the name though. It goes (if I remember correctly):

"it's gonna be wild it's gonna be great it's gonna be for me."

I know there's more but I can't recall it at the moment. But alas...

I was with my family in LA this weekend. We didn't do much except for watch a bunch of movies. Most of them sucked (i.e. Daybreakers) but some of them were awesome. Brief description of each:

Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus:
On crack. Definitely whimsical and all those other stupid words people use to describe weird movies. I liked it though. Partly because of the weirdness, mostly because it had all these historical and mythological allusions.
High Point: Heath Ledger
Low Point: Faint reminiscence of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

Daybreakers:
Decent. Might have liked it more if I wasn't so sick of vampires and if it hadn't been so terribly disgusting. Seriously.
High Point: Ethan Hawke being 'serious.'
Low Point: Pierce Brosnan being stupid.

When In Rome:
Stupid. Josh Duhamel: only relevant due to his attractiveness and slight comedic timing. Kristen Bell: only like her because of Veronica Mars and that chick she played in Fan Boys.
High Point: John Heder and Pedro
Low Point: it's utter foolishness.

Leap Year:
Of course I would enjoy this movie. Matthew Goode, Irish accents...that's all it really was. When it comes to chick flicks, the only thing they take to win me over are foreign countries and foreign guys. Sad, but true.
High Point: Matthew Goode and the accent
Low Point: Amy Adams' wardrobe.

Nine:
Not really a big musical fan, but this one was pretty good. Most definitely enjoyed the different portrayals of the women. Found it highly amusing and entertaining. Especially liked Penelope Cruz and her whoriness, among others.
High Point: the jumps
Low Point: the guy (Guido?} and his singing/dancing.

THE MATRIX:
Self explanatory. This movie is a classic must-see awesome amazing movie that should be seen by all. Seriously. The Wachowski brothers were WAY ahead of their time. And people had the audacity to call Keanu gay. Those haters. Oh, and may I just say: Laurence Fishburne. Ah, love that guy. Eagerly await the new Predators. Should be a good remake.
High Point: the script, the EVERYTHING.
Low Point: trinity's clothes

Avatar: The Last Airbender
Oh LAHD! This was EPIC. And when I say epic, I mean it in the true sense of the word. Not like those stupid people who call everything epic, thus the word loses its meaning. No. This was awesome. If you've seen the cartoons, it was PERFECT. If you haven't, well....either you'll want to, or you'll just take back all of those mean and undeserving adjectives you had previously been characterizing M. Night Shamylan's films with. Yeah yeah we all know, the Happening sucked. So what? He's amazing.
High Point: Dev Patel (HOT) and seeing the cartoon come to life
Low Point: none.

Kick Ass:
EXCELLENT movie. Faintly reminiscent of Zombieland and Kill Bill...sort of like a fusion of the two, except with superheroes. In short: AWESOME.
High Point: the little girl who played Hit Girl and Nicholas Cage.
Low Point: all the f-bombs. it just didn't seem right with all the little kids.


Well...i suppose that's it for my movie rating synopsis whatever. I guess I'll go down some pepto now...

EY EY EY

I BEEN AROUND A FEW
TELL ME WHAT YOU SAY
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT TO

TELL ME WHERE THE LIGHT IS, YEH?

Class over.
Hello weekend.

tongue burning
bitter coffee
candid sights
singing highs
moves without
tides building
fires
fierce desire
morning wire
weekend wars and
pieces of
nothing
except
for
here

Oh Jenny. How could you say nothing was happening at all?

There so WAS somethin happening at all!

God my tongue BURNS. If I ever feel a sensation there it'll be a miracle.
Well probably not.
But...what if stuff doesn't taste the same?

Damn.
I really don't want to pack. I just wanna sit here and listen to VU sing about how alright it was.
But you know what God says about laziness...

lo

"Day burns down to night
Burns the edge of my soul
In the night I break into sparks of suns
And become fires in a dust of bones
Night knifes
My breath swallows whole my tongue
Turn back
Reverse return
In the night I see the real
Concealed in the day's bright lie
Eyes stitched shut
White teeth smile
Sleep walks and talks
And feet mark time of day."

Reality

Reality Carpinteria is a great church.

You know how you read about them in the Bible? Like about the Corinthians and the Ephesians and how Paul speaks about them, how he wished to be renewed in Christ, in the Spirit, and how he would be encouraged by these churches? These churches who were living the life the way it should be lived through Christ and through the Spirit?

Well, Reality is like that. Only they, like Paul, want more. They want to go deeper. That's always the recurring assertion, the new call. "Ask and you shall receive." Pressing deeper into God, into the Spirit driven life. It's awesome. It's a life that God wants us to have. Constantly seeking Him and depending only on Him.

Here's the most recent message from Reality Adorn, which is for a college gathering every Friday at Reality Carpinteria. I am mesmerized and so inspired by the way that the word is taught and spoken about every Friday.

Take a look.

Romans 16:24-25 "Soli Deo Gloria!" from chris lazo on Vimeo.

I once heard

some idiot say that there was no good music in the 90s.

What a douche.



And then he was surprised when I told him that I liked VU.

Totally lacking in depth, in my opinion. But that's just me.

movie-night

Just saw Remember Me.

You know the one. The one with some weird disfigured looking guy that we (and when I say we, I mean nearly all womankind) find incredibly attractive (i.e. Robert Pattinson).

Yeah...it's all coming back now.

Well...I must say I was very pleasantly surprised.

Kinda had a Cruel Intentions vibe to it, in my opinion. Good movie. Not as good as Cruel Intentions, but still very good.

Which leads me to those times in life, you know those times. When everything is going to shit and you can barely hold it together...but then something happens. Something awesome. Something that can only happen in LIFE. And it's so funny, so awesome, so bitter-sweet...that you just want to laugh and cry and the joy is overwhelming. I call it God, some call it random or coincidence. Not so. But that doesn't change the fact that we all feel it, we all experience it.

I'm too tired to write anything good right now, but I'll leave you with this:



God given music-thoughts, feeling-highs, bitter-sighs, character-deja-vus seem strange to you,
metaphor it's life don't you see? peace and joy and hap-pi-ness
laughter smiles and sweet caress.
beauty in the smallest insignificance.

math section

As you can see, all that talk about derivative got pretty boring.

Raw, unedited, but hey, this is a blog that no ones gonna read.

---

In the night
and in the darkness
its possible to
hear the voices
of those who yearn
and those who seek
to hold and have
but never keep
and every night it is the same
that silly and deceitful game
and no one ever knows your name
nor will they ever know it
and if you chose to tell them
so that you can compel them
it's most assuredly possible
that you and they
after you lay
will undoubtedly
forget it.

depressing!

ah

i'm listening to He Reigns by the Newsboys. I don't really like them but I LOVE this song.

It's amazing.

youtube it.

HE REIGNS!

I

am so lost.

Here I am, minding my own business, reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, and it hits me:

I am screwed. I really am.
I have shitty college grades, I have no idea what to do with my life...I have no money.

I've got to pull myself together. Really. I mean...what do I do?

I obviously don't have the intelligence required to become a medical doctor, that much I know (per as to my aforementioned less than wonderful grades).

I really need some help.

If only there was like this great big answer box I could just pick out of. Wait, no. That wouldn't be good either. Because what if I got something I didn't want?

I just don't know.

ww

Slow-ly:
Stark against the deep
blue-green of the grass,
the sky it
reverberates, the
sound of my light and
the voice it was there getting
older
growing
brighter
being
lighter,
it was the sky and
the sea;
I could see
the lake, iridescent
effervescent
these kids want
to get older
still weighted by
the ever
present breeze.

Today's

song/video:

AMAZING. That's all I have to say. Decide for yourself.

Music truly felt.



Beautiful.

FREE DAY

Sort of. I got to nap after my EIGHT AM FINAL, which hopefully I aced. I feel like I did really well.

Alright. Well I'm not really in the writing mood, HOWEVER, I do have some treats for ya'll.


I've been on No Doubt all day (and Madonna, surprisingly haha), so I thought I'd share the two tracks that I'm really into right now.









I also listened to this one today. Don't have it on my library or ipod so I'll let you check it out too. Classic.

IF

there is anything I hate in this world more than anything, it's

FINALS.

I do dear wish I had more maxi.

ok

my last post came out badly.

to clarify; i burn, i pine, and i perish for:

a fixie. ah-mazing to ride.





a nixon watch!



these awesome lacoste shoes (which are on their way!)



this brixton hat



charlotte casiraghi's amazing dress (and style)



and of course, rupert grint. (sigh)

So over

I burn, I pine, I perish!


Currently lusting for:






and last but not least:

in the AM

life just stops making sense after a while.

blocked.

We small children in this world,
How we yearn to reach across the face of the earth
To trample through the wild expanses
To possess that which cannot be possessed
How we seek any ideal!

For this passion is in no way denied
But rather sprung forth from the fountains
Of eternal youth
It's existence is ours
There for those who seek
That which is to be found

But how the pain of truth
Transposes itself toward the back
Of one's fragile nape
Becomes whole in it's utter atrocity

In no way can this be
Altered
Oh red expanse,
We seek to find the truth
Reach not the error of our ways
In its stead we reach
That which is untrue and unmade
Wholly that of
A burst of sun
Spark'd through that dense field
of green.

No longer can we see
That which remained unseen.

---

Why must I not simply do
That which I desire?

Why must my ever-present state
Be consumed with thoughts
Of that which I must do
rather than what I burn to do?

Oh obligation
How you unnerve
me

and my joie de vivre.

Or am I simply
a failure
Who cannot seem to reach
That high-up pinnacle
of completion?

Led on by bursts of
life and destruction?

oh but what a fickle being I am.

strange?

This is how I feel right now.

It's always so incredible the way a song can describe your emotions better than words can sometimes, better than even the look on your face. You just feel it in you.

Seeing as how I can't concentrate on my Comparative Lit paper, I've decided to take a minor study break and write in here instead. I'm due either way, and I can't really concentrate. Argh. See? That's how bad it is. Repeating myself.

So you may ask, what is it that has so captured my attention that I cannot even manage a single sentence or proper paragraph? Well I won't be so explicit in my detailing of the aforementioned event, but suffice it to say that it was extremely uncomfortable and strange.

Just listen to the song.

haha

Playground.

This is how you know you're alive.

The scene is as follows:

A white room facing a large window, no pane, just glass. Can see the shadow of the room that isn't in the light but the room is too dim for you to know what is there. Your brain tells you that there's furniture. Light delicately streams through into the room as a figure walks into the light. It's just a beautiful sight. It illuminates the face. The eyes are closed. And then, the moment of humanity. There it is. A thought. You know it just happened because you can see the play of emotion on the face. Cringe. Sharp intake of breath. A flicker of memory. And then suddenly, it's gone. The eyes open. A blank stare. Lies down on the floor, a hardwood floor, you realize. Closes eyes. Dreams of moments past. You're sure of it. It's so human.

My absolute favorite times in life are the times that are real. So real, you can feel the humanity just seeping out of you, your life being consumed by the emotion, the moment...the fire slowly burning out. It's a moment that you can only relish and identify until after it's happened.

Only then can you know exactly what it was that you experienced during that small moment when you knew, when you were absolutely certain, that you were simply going to die. You felt death in between your fingers, you could grasp it and sense it overcome you. It was soft and terrifying and you wrenched and reeled away from it all at once. Your mind became ablaze with the greatest most overwhelming horror you'd ever beheld in your entire misery. You were a child again, I know it. You don't like to go back to that memory. In fact, this very moment you feel the fear again. It's horrible. I know you can feel it. It's your greatest fear. It's the unknown after. It reminds you of your worst moment as a small child, where you were powerless.

That's right. The times in life -the ones I call real- are the ones where the truth is just the truth. Where nothing is hidden and the power of the truth is in full force. You're not ten feet tall, you're not larger than life; you're pathetic, you're small. You're lower than the lowest being this earth has seen. Your misery, your exiguousness is older than time itself. It's more real than anything you're ever felt, more ancient than time. I can see it now. I can feel it. It's terrible. But it's real. And it scares you more than anything you've ever felt in your life.

It's a feeling like no other.

It's like a composition of music that touches you to the very core, that shakes your bones and opens your senses to the world that surrounds you. Your eyes are thus opened and you are in awe, and in fear. There is no sound, there is no reaction, there is no word that can describe the object of your disbelief. Because how can you believe that something this real, something so terrible and raw can truly exist? Can God be that great? Are you really that low? But you can't be. This can't be it. Denial. It's a lie. You refuse.

It's that feeling that you fly, that your skin is cold and numb. The world is made anew. You know that everything is wrong because it just seems so alien and undisguised. The bitterness of your eyes' wealth is simply too much to bear.

Oh this life, this world we live in. We long to corrupt ourselves beyond unintelligibility until we finally expire.

It's a playground, love.

So

I'm back home right now. Here are a couple of facts that I discovered recently.

FACT: Real friends are the ones that pick you up even when they are highly inebriated, and then when they can't find you (due to said inebriation) they don't get mad at you. And they don't die or get a DIY on the way home. And when they get you to their house, they make you pizza and chicken nuggets and offer you whiskey (which you graciously turn down because you can't go home drunk).

FACT: The Ugly Truth, while being a chick flick (and highly predictable) is also a very good movie. Furthermore, I really don't understand why everyone hates Katherine Heigl. She's nice. Also, I wish Gerard Butler would have kept the accent for the movie. I know it wouldn't have fit into the plot and all, but it would've been way hotter.

FACT: "Once you're finished with something; blow it up." 'Nough said.

FACT: The blues are great. Evidentiary support includes: Blitzen Trapper, Delta Spirit, Cat Power, Cage the Elephant, Dr. Dog &c.
Mark Ronson is too. But he's not blues. Still though. I should figure out how to put playlists up here.

FACT: Your sister really is your keeper. If she's a good sister. Like mine. Don't be jealous. She's one in a million. If you have a sister, love her. Be nice to her. If she's older, respect her. If she's younger, be gentle.

FACT: while home will always be where you grew up, a place you are familiar with, a place you love, the place where your family is...it stops being home after a while. It's curious the way this happens, but eventually it does happen. Then you find yourself asking "now what?"

now here are a couple of fallacies.

FALLACY: Men are all-powerful. They're really not.

FALLACY: Mexico is a horrible place. Oh you ignorant people! Oh ye of little faith! You're all so afraid of Mexico, you think that Mexico is full of crazy psychopathic drug lords (or incredibly impoverished and desperate people who are ignorant, supposedly you) who live and run rampant in corruption, and lacking in technology.
Mexico is great. Where else do you have VIP movie theaters where they make sushi for you? AND will serve you alcohol a-la-carte? Where else can you get the best tacos ever made? Where else can you not wear your seatbelt and speak the best kind of spanish ever? Salma Hayek? Gael Garcia Bernal? Diego Luna? The list is endless my friends...
Explain this to me.

I'm really big on movies, and movie quotes that are good. I memorize them. I have a really good memory when it comes to movies, quotes, music, images....little things. I've always been in the details. I often wish I could translate such a talent toward math or chemistry.

So here goes, now rest easy friends:

"The trick to not feeling cheated is to learn how to cheat."

I've got to learn how to make these things more engaging. I am trying. Please bear with me, for this is a novel endeavor of mine.

I'm about to

Take a nap. But before I do...

I'm going home tomorrow for the long weekend. Feeling very happy about that right now.

I'm really into this commercial. I love the Walt Whitman going on with the lighting and the way it's filmed. So emotive.

Huh.

I'm going to try and write with some frequency now. I created this blog about a year ago, and it was always just sitting there blank with some random name.

No longer. I'm not sure if this thing is going to have some sort of theme or if it's going to be really cool and I'll get picked up by magazines like Nylon or Foam or something (highly doubtful), however, it's going to be as true as I can possibly be (considering the circumstances).

Furthermore, I don't really know what I'll include. I guess I can include everything.

Alright then.

Well here goes Random Thing That Occurred Today Number 1:
It rained today. Most people around here check the weather every single day before they get ready for school. I don't. I should. It'd be wise. Not me though. Nah, I guess I'm just too cool for the weather because I got up at 6 AM (early for me) and decided to wear a v-neck and a little cardigan with my black jeans and lacoste shoes. Awesome. Right?
WRONG.
Nicole is so smart that she gets caught in the rain with a tiny little sweater and freezes so badly, she has to go buy a hoodie.

Cool Thing That Occured Today Number 1:
I started listening to Cat Power today. I always liked her but I hadn't really gotten into her until today.
Well, today I decided that she is amazing.
Really really good. Nina Simone good.
Give her a listen.

Cool Thing That Occurred Today Number 2:
They served Pozole in the DLG dining commons today.
Thank you Jesus. And some Apple Kuchen thing. Also good.

The end.

Some days.

I wonder about things. When I have time to really think about the non-mundane. About what I live for, what I stand for. What I believe in. What takes over my life sometimes, if I allow it to. It's funny the way we as people are so fragile. The Greeks saw it. Our lives literally do dangle from a thread. And it makes us so nervous, so scared, to even contemplate who holds the scissors. We fight, we debate, we kill.

I'm all over the place today. For now, I simply wish to lose myself in a jumble of words and feelings, emotions and thoughts going through my twisted mind. Oh these thoughts, those images deep within my minds eye, how they reverberate, how they flicker into something and disappear into nothing. Deep within the depths that are a mystery. I just want clarity. I want some beautiful effervescent light to overcome my soul and fill me until I am whole.

What is it a about human beings that is such a mystery?
Why does love cause us to become such psychopathic maniacs with strange habits and depressions? With our lusts and pleasures and lies? Is that not the perennial question? Probably not. But I know that it's definitely up there.

Despair. I have known despair.
Could you call it post-adolescent existential crisis in conjunction with unrequited -or perhaps lost- love-induced despair?
Perhaps. I know it's what everyone around me thought. I suppose it was the easiest thing to assume, the most natural path that any loss such as the ones I suffered -in succession- to be taken.
I like to think it wasn't just that though. Perhaps it's my constant desire and belief that I am different than all others around me.

My newspaper advisor -and friend- used to tell me that it was self-induced elitism. A desire to willingly segregate myself and my doings, my personality, from the norm. He may have been right, though I don't like to think so. Not exactly, at least.
Yes, my choices in apparel, music, even the food I eat are different, but I like to think that it's just because I am.
The despair, that was all me.

Not to say that others besides myself have known it, no, that would be incredibly high of me, I think. Though I know that there are few of us in the world. Kindred spirits are rare. When speaking to one who has known despair and utter hopelessness...it's comforting to find solace in the words of such a person. Old souls, that's what we are.
Old. Tired.
Perhaps that's why I have such a deep love for books; to know the history and stories of old...to know what they did in the past, how they dealt with what I deal with now. How they solved it. If only I knew. If only anyone knew.

But oh, the despair. I call upon that feeling now. I truly do wish to translate that biting emotion into a clear picture, into these words. I want you to feel it with me.
Not suffer, never that. I'd never inflict such a feeling upon another soul, not even one I disliked.
No. I wish us to be kindred spirits. I wish all to know that life is short, that love is out there, somewhere. That in our despair we may find solace in what is truly important in this short time, this short spark of life that we have in our hands. That we believe to hold in our hands, though powerless we are. So powerless.

It's awe-inspiring, though. True beauty in life. At times I laugh at the world, at what I see all around me, when I observe people in their quest to reach a certain ideal of what they believe true beauty to be.
If only we knew. We're so blind.
We're all little children running around helpless, looking for a hand to hold on to. Looking for direction, guidance.
We are lost.
Pound and Hemingway and Fitzgerald and all of them were wrong when they called themselves lost. They were just the beginning. We're in a maze and we're not getting out anytime soon.