vanity

god
noun
1 (God) : a gift from God the Lord, the Almighty, the Creator, the Maker, the Godhead; Allah, Jehovah, Yahweh; (God) the Father, (God) the Son, the Holy Ghost/Spirit, the Holy Trinity; the Great Spirit, Gitchi Manitou; humorous the Man Upstairs.
2 sacrifices to appease the gods deity, goddess, divine being, celestial being, divinity, immortal, avatar. See table.
3 wooden gods idol, graven image, icon, totem, talisman, fetish, juju.


It's funny, because I am wont to get in my moods. I really am. Years of trying to know myself have led me to realize that I can be very temperamental and polar. I remember when we talked about temperaments in personality (as in sanguine, choleric, melancholic and phlegmatic), and my teacher -who was a psychologist- telling me that I was very much of the choleric-melancholic temperament, like a ticking time bomb. Sad but true. Prone to melancholy and strange emotional highs and lows, yet also very stubborn and somewhat controlling and driven. I've always wanted to be the patient sort who wasn't very reactionary, who could think better before they spoke, who could be gracious and kind. Not so.

But alas. No matter how I can be, no matter how high or low or whatever, I am just so grateful that I am living a different kind of life now. Back in the day, if I was feeling too low, I would immediately do something completely stupid, reckless, and irrational. Just out of self-spite or whatever it was, I would simply rebel against the situation. Immaturity, lack of wisdom. Even now, sometimes I have the sudden desire to cast away all concerns and simply do what I would wish. Except I don't. Because things are different now. Because I have Christ. I so understand what Paul says when in Philippians when he writes "For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain." It's true. Because in letting go, in denying myself my sinful pleasures and escapes and desires, my wish for self-exaltation and hedonism, I LIVE in Christ. People don't seem to understand that. They can't grasp the idea of self-sacrifice. In this world, it's nonsensical. It's a foolish notion, for the world lives, breathes, works, so that they can have ALL of their desires. The sole purpose of a worldly life is to take pleasure in one self and one self alone. To reap the work of one's own hands and to spend every moment pleasing the self. Of course, in order to be able to fulfill one's own wishes, one must abide in the law, pay taxes, work...but ultimately, all of these things are only done so that 'we' can be "free." Free to do whatever we want. For ourselves. So then the idea of dying to one's self day in and day out becomes absurd in the eyes of the world, as seen without Christ, without LIFE.

So when I sing, when I cry out to God "You are everything," it's because I really mean it. Because God really IS my everything.

I remember a while back, when I was just pressing into God with all my strength and simply delighting in his favor, in his everlasting mercy and grace which was completely undeserved, I said something which I found to be so hilarious. I was in the last few weeks of spring quarter before finals (maybe even during finals, I can't remember exactly), and I was eating lunch with some friends in the dining commons. I realized that I had so much to do, yet I was going to put it all on hold so that I could go worship and pray and just hang out with my friends who were also Christian believers. And as I reflected about this, I said in my mind, "jeez, God is really becoming my God." And I laughed out loud, because I had uttered that phrase before, but in different situations. I think the last time I said it, it was about music or something stupid like that. Something I spent too much time with, something I obsessed over. The thing that was my go-to when I had a chance to do whatever I wanted. And here I was, dropping everything, homework, studying for a midterm...all my priorities were not thrown out, but completely put on hold, for God. For Jesus. So I could spend time in just awestruck wonderful worship of my Creator. And I laughed. It was so weird, I was so happy. Because it was FINALLY true. God was my GOD. My EVERYTHING.

And that, my friends, is something precious. Something that can only be reached with you just realize that the only way, the only way to ever find God, to every KNOW God, is to have FAITH in God. Everyone is constantly seeking some sort of proof for God. They want evidence, they want cold hard facts and then they'll believe. But it's funny, because God doesn't work like that at all. He really really wants to be 100% sure that you can love Him and trust Him enough to have complete and utter faith in Him, in His everlasting power, His complete existence, His mercy. I mean, would you not do the same? Think about this from God's perspective for a second. He wants you to TRUST, and faith is all about trust. It's like your parents. They'll give you everything, because they love you so much it's insane. All they want, though, is a little trust.

So you see, no matter how bad of person I am, no matter how infallible as a human being I can be, it never really matters if I fail or if I don't. Because God doesn't. My moods aren't worth anything against God's utter control and power of the situation, because He has so much to give.



Please listen to this, and just try and be real with it.