ignominiously

Since when am I nocturnal?

Oh yeah, since I finally got a BREAK from the tedium of school. It’s my own fault; I’m a lazy jackass who honestly deserves to flunk out of school, just so I can be faced with my misery. Then maybe I’ll make something of myself and finally DO something worth doing. Maybe then I’ll know. Maybe then I’ll stop “being afraid.”

Probably not though.

But damn. Why can’t I be one of those go-getting hard-working people who know what they want and who go for it? Why am I so lacking in anything? I feel like everyday I’m constantly being faced with my own inadequacy at life. Stuck in some sort of delusional alternate-reality state where I’m just wishing things to be what they’re not. All I’ve got are alternate endings and soundstrack listings and quotes. Endless. Unreal. Doesn’t matter how pretty the picture is. Or how interesting. It’s still a picture, and it’s still worthless.

I really want some Persol’s.

What the HELL is up with snuggies anyways? I mean honestly, no matter how convenient they may just be, they honestly make one look like a complete douchebag asshole. Honestly.

Oh, I’m watching TV that’s why. Surprisingly there’s quite a nice movie on. Not sure if you’d remember it. A Lot Like Love. Amanda What’s Her Name and Ashton Kutcher. I remember when I first watched it, I was like fifteen. I so projected my current feelings on that movie. My little fifteen year old emotions and dreams. God I was so...young. There’s really no other way to put it. Not pathetic, not stupid...just young.

Not that I’m any more mature or wise now. Nearly twenty doesn’t really do much to things like that. At least not when it comes to me.

Anyways...

What is it about hoodies that just instantly make me feel so much better? I’ve been lounging around my pjs all day, doing stupid chores (ok, not really stupid, but- oh my God what is it about that actor that played Kumar and that doctor from house who offed himself that’s just so awesome? I love that guy!) and I was wearing this really ugly pullover all day (no offense nata) but I had to change it finally because I made salmon and I smelled like salmon and then voila! Hoody. Instant awesomeness. Ok, well maybe not awesomeness but I just felt cooler..better. More myself. Not so much of a sad homebody. I guess that’s the truth about myself that I’ve never been able to own up to.

I’m a homebody. I always have been. Yeah, maybe I had this weird phase where I supposedly wasn’t oooh go to Adam&Eve.com and add some SPICE to your LIFE! Ha. God, late night TV is hilarious. Glad there’s no porn to worry about.

Seriously, I love this movie. It’s true. That’s what it’s like. Things are awkward and weird and it’s always about finding the right person. The one that gets you no matter what. Does that really make everything ok? Like no matter what kind of shithole your life is currently in, as long as you’ve got that significant other, you can deal?

I mean, for a lot of people that’s God. I know it SHOULD be God, At least for me. But for some reason it just doesn’t take anymore.

Anyways. The hoody. The hoody is home. Hanna’s little sister Talia once mentioned something about how she was iffy about this guy because he didn’t like to wear hoodys. I’d be iffy too. What a weirdo. Hoodys are america. Hoodys are the youth of our nation.

Peet. Amanda Peet. That’s her name.

God this is so sweet. I’m so depressed.

Honestly, this makes me think about the same person. Always. God, I was lying before. I was and am pathetic. And THAT is why I must move to france. Ha ha ha.

Ah! Now it comes to me! This movie made me love Brighter than Sunshine, by Aqualung.

“Don’t. You’ll ruin it.”

Oh, ah there it is. Look What You’ve Done, Jet. Jeez. I feel like all of my music comes from movies in some way or another.

Oh, yet another thing I wish. I wish I was a genius like Mark Zuckerberg.

Or like Sofia Coppola.

Sigh.

“Oliver, this is your life. Right now. It doesn’t wait for you to get back on your feet.” It had to be a deaf guy.

It’s like this cosmic sign.

Right?