endless

dreams, that is.

life: not so much.

clock stops
watch the sky
as it turns blue and black and green
scenes change from dark to night
trees sway in the breeze
and haunt my dreams
and cut off my mind
games and the secrets
and make known truths
for
freedom
a world entire
laughter echoes into the night
a terrible sight it is to
behold the name
goodnight

i've got stories. i'm going to post them one day.

i want to see you cry
and laugh
and cringe
and fear

imagine

What would happen if one day we all decided to be honest.

Just tell the truth. Just let it out, all if it. Every little thing. Truth.

Truth in it's simplest form. Truth as it was meant to be.

Stark, white, poignant, alone. Resonating.

Philippians 3

http://realitymessages.com/audio/20100725_03-32kbps.mp3

What do you love? Are you in love with HIM?
Jesus? The Christ? The truth Mosiach? Son of Hashem, brother of the Shekinah?

Is Christ your treasure? Is He mine?

HIM. Not the concept, not the idea...just Him. Just Jesus.

AM

"No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the Kingdom of God."

Luke 9:62

Intense right?

I read this passage this morning. I usually try to read my Bible before I do anything. It helps me clear my head and just start the day with God. My dad does this. Every single morning. He inspires me to keep going, honestly. My dad's story is one of the craziest I've ever heard. I really admire the way he fights himself to live for God.

And when I find myself looking back, this verse comes to mind. Right here.

Doesn't matter what you were, what you did, what you said. "We all began as something else."

Amen.

But the thing is

"Reality means you live until you die. The real truth is nobody wants reality."

Seconded.

Let's stop playing at it then. Right?
Seriously.

I don't mean some stupid call to arms or whatever. I hate movements, I hate dogmas, I hate philosophies built on idiosyncratic postulations and rules upon rules to follow.

The truest truth is that the truth is simple.

The biggest lie is that life is complicated and that all is meaningless. The biggest lie is that we are all powerful and all knowing.

Get over yourself. If we knew so much, if science was so goddamned right and predictable, the floridan coast wouldn't be the nations newest flammable slip n' slide. Obviously, we as people are found wanting. In more than one area.

Jeez.

I especially hate it when people make excuses. Founded upon blame. Didn't you LEARN anything in Eden? Blame does nothing. The past passes and is over, and all that is left is the present. And "the Present is the moment at which Time touches eternity." So you see? Of what good will it come to do something as vile, as facile, as point the finger of wrong?

TIme for bed. Goodnight sleepless minds.

Today

I did exactly nothing.

Seriously. I mean I woke up and went to class and went to CLAS and stuff...and then I got back and did nada.

Laziness is my newest enemy. Funny the way it changes.



Fuckin nostalgia.

I like this blog coz no one reads it and I can curse and don't feel bad because I'm not really saying it out loud. I mean people do so many things in their minds and not in the Present. Well...it's what we DO that defines us, I think. Well...for the most part.

Alright, I'll be honest. I still felt pretty bad about writing it. I don't care today though, because today was one of those days.

You know the ones.

The ones where you just wake up and something feels off. Can't really put your finger on it, it's just there. And as you brush your teeth and look at your hollow-eyed reflection in the mirror, you realize that the day is wrong. Not bad, not good...just wrong.

I'm not sure if that's something you make yourself. Probably is. Honestly, people are so stupid.

Sometimes I'm just overcome by the senselessness of it all. Just wanna break, get outta here.

Oh, don't get me wrong. I love school, love my life, love my family. No complaints there.

Honestly...it's just life. You get me?

All is vanity. No joke.

truth

“Everyone smiles with that invisible gun to their head.”

But which one?

It's a slippery slope I walk.
like a tight rope
like a high hope
never ending, ever bending, to myself,
against my-self.

White teeth smile
stark against
the black of the
night and the
darkness radiating from
within my
soul.
utter lack of self-
control
questioning insanity
doubting every
certainty

doesn't there become a
point where facts are true or
false is the lie we tell
ourselves?

see

“If death meant just leaving the stage long enough to change costume and come back as a new character...Would you slow down? Or speed up?”

Bring it on.

I mean that's what life is all about right? Being brave isn't because you're already brave. Being brave is doing whatever it is that scares you...and then the bravery comes after. Right?

Trust. Faith.

?

Sometimes when shitty things happen, I just need a good, nice escape.




Take my hand/tonight.
Go ahead/tonight.
Play my game/tonight.
Keep your head/tonight.

^
|

One of today's good discoveries. Not the best. The best will always be that God is with us, no matter what.

But man oh man...these things hit hard and cut deep.

So I was listening

to some really good music today. Older stuff that's always good, you know?



And studying Chem. Chem chem chem.

Chem is cool. But it's quite a challenge. If I am ever able to know chem backwards and forwards, I will feel pretty great.

I'm not sure at all about some things right now. A lot of things. I try and just put it all in God's hands every day. I wonder...I wonder. There's always so much to think about. This or that, right or wrong, yes or no.

I just gotta get through this next day. That's all. That's how things get done, right?

mornings

seem like this to me.



I had a really nice long talk with my friend Alfonso yesterday.

Things like that make me miss home and sometimes, just sometimes, maybe even a little bit of the past.

But, if I've learned any lesson in life that's been incredibly true, it's that one cannot go back; one can only move forward.

I really don't

get it.

WHY

AM I SUCH A COWARD????

vanity

god
noun
1 (God) : a gift from God the Lord, the Almighty, the Creator, the Maker, the Godhead; Allah, Jehovah, Yahweh; (God) the Father, (God) the Son, the Holy Ghost/Spirit, the Holy Trinity; the Great Spirit, Gitchi Manitou; humorous the Man Upstairs.
2 sacrifices to appease the gods deity, goddess, divine being, celestial being, divinity, immortal, avatar. See table.
3 wooden gods idol, graven image, icon, totem, talisman, fetish, juju.


It's funny, because I am wont to get in my moods. I really am. Years of trying to know myself have led me to realize that I can be very temperamental and polar. I remember when we talked about temperaments in personality (as in sanguine, choleric, melancholic and phlegmatic), and my teacher -who was a psychologist- telling me that I was very much of the choleric-melancholic temperament, like a ticking time bomb. Sad but true. Prone to melancholy and strange emotional highs and lows, yet also very stubborn and somewhat controlling and driven. I've always wanted to be the patient sort who wasn't very reactionary, who could think better before they spoke, who could be gracious and kind. Not so.

But alas. No matter how I can be, no matter how high or low or whatever, I am just so grateful that I am living a different kind of life now. Back in the day, if I was feeling too low, I would immediately do something completely stupid, reckless, and irrational. Just out of self-spite or whatever it was, I would simply rebel against the situation. Immaturity, lack of wisdom. Even now, sometimes I have the sudden desire to cast away all concerns and simply do what I would wish. Except I don't. Because things are different now. Because I have Christ. I so understand what Paul says when in Philippians when he writes "For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain." It's true. Because in letting go, in denying myself my sinful pleasures and escapes and desires, my wish for self-exaltation and hedonism, I LIVE in Christ. People don't seem to understand that. They can't grasp the idea of self-sacrifice. In this world, it's nonsensical. It's a foolish notion, for the world lives, breathes, works, so that they can have ALL of their desires. The sole purpose of a worldly life is to take pleasure in one self and one self alone. To reap the work of one's own hands and to spend every moment pleasing the self. Of course, in order to be able to fulfill one's own wishes, one must abide in the law, pay taxes, work...but ultimately, all of these things are only done so that 'we' can be "free." Free to do whatever we want. For ourselves. So then the idea of dying to one's self day in and day out becomes absurd in the eyes of the world, as seen without Christ, without LIFE.

So when I sing, when I cry out to God "You are everything," it's because I really mean it. Because God really IS my everything.

I remember a while back, when I was just pressing into God with all my strength and simply delighting in his favor, in his everlasting mercy and grace which was completely undeserved, I said something which I found to be so hilarious. I was in the last few weeks of spring quarter before finals (maybe even during finals, I can't remember exactly), and I was eating lunch with some friends in the dining commons. I realized that I had so much to do, yet I was going to put it all on hold so that I could go worship and pray and just hang out with my friends who were also Christian believers. And as I reflected about this, I said in my mind, "jeez, God is really becoming my God." And I laughed out loud, because I had uttered that phrase before, but in different situations. I think the last time I said it, it was about music or something stupid like that. Something I spent too much time with, something I obsessed over. The thing that was my go-to when I had a chance to do whatever I wanted. And here I was, dropping everything, homework, studying for a midterm...all my priorities were not thrown out, but completely put on hold, for God. For Jesus. So I could spend time in just awestruck wonderful worship of my Creator. And I laughed. It was so weird, I was so happy. Because it was FINALLY true. God was my GOD. My EVERYTHING.

And that, my friends, is something precious. Something that can only be reached with you just realize that the only way, the only way to ever find God, to every KNOW God, is to have FAITH in God. Everyone is constantly seeking some sort of proof for God. They want evidence, they want cold hard facts and then they'll believe. But it's funny, because God doesn't work like that at all. He really really wants to be 100% sure that you can love Him and trust Him enough to have complete and utter faith in Him, in His everlasting power, His complete existence, His mercy. I mean, would you not do the same? Think about this from God's perspective for a second. He wants you to TRUST, and faith is all about trust. It's like your parents. They'll give you everything, because they love you so much it's insane. All they want, though, is a little trust.

So you see, no matter how bad of person I am, no matter how infallible as a human being I can be, it never really matters if I fail or if I don't. Because God doesn't. My moods aren't worth anything against God's utter control and power of the situation, because He has so much to give.



Please listen to this, and just try and be real with it.

serious.

If I could, I would just lose myself in music every day every moment of every day. It's the only place where things make sense. Why do we even seek explanations for answers that can't be answered?

The key is not to seek an answer, to answer a question. The crux of it all, the answer to that question is simply simple. Just say it. Just write about it, sing about it. Make it real. Make it a solid thing. A declaration, a reverberation. With a loud, resounding YES. And there it is. Released into the world, and there it remains. And it's a truth, and it's a fact. Unanswered but readily evaluated. Truth within a question, questions within non-truths. This isn't abstract thought, world. This is truth. And truth is simple. And the simple truth is that there will always be non-answers and doubts. And the truth is that that's why there is faith. And faith shows us that there can never be a solid rock. Except for God. Therein lies our salvation. Therein lies our answer. To these secrets everywhere. Unanswered but remaining. Just like us.

I think it's funny, because the world makes sense without making sense. There are ever-present motifs occurring in our own lives. I see them all the time, and it makes me laugh. It's not taking myself too seriously, or reading too deeply into things. It's a truth. It's my leap of faith. It's my argument A to B that agrees with my C, my premises and my conclusions. Your prerogative, my friend, is to simply choose to engage with me in this exchange. Either I'm crazy or I take life too seriously.

But honestly: life is a serious thing. If this that we are, this living isn't serious enough for you, I'd hate to be YOU during an unexpected catastrophe. You know the ones. The ones where you're about to die, where you feel the adrenaline rush in your veins, blood-pumping, stomach churching fear, and then everything just gets a little more serious. O you of little faith.

pero porque?

this is us/this is me

you see?

midnight memories and moonlight on my floor

now I shall go to the li-bra-ry.

say a word

"it's the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.
what truth?
that you are a slave. like everyone else you were born into bondage. into a prison that you cannot taste or see or touch. a prison for your mind."

Once again, to that imbecile who scoffed at the 90s...

family

Well, this very moment, my poor stomach is experiencing some really sad...movements. I guess I don't pile on the red meat for a reason. But no matter.

I've got this song stuck in my head. Heard it in worship at the prayer shed one time. It was really good. Can't remember the name though. It goes (if I remember correctly):

"it's gonna be wild it's gonna be great it's gonna be for me."

I know there's more but I can't recall it at the moment. But alas...

I was with my family in LA this weekend. We didn't do much except for watch a bunch of movies. Most of them sucked (i.e. Daybreakers) but some of them were awesome. Brief description of each:

Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus:
On crack. Definitely whimsical and all those other stupid words people use to describe weird movies. I liked it though. Partly because of the weirdness, mostly because it had all these historical and mythological allusions.
High Point: Heath Ledger
Low Point: Faint reminiscence of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

Daybreakers:
Decent. Might have liked it more if I wasn't so sick of vampires and if it hadn't been so terribly disgusting. Seriously.
High Point: Ethan Hawke being 'serious.'
Low Point: Pierce Brosnan being stupid.

When In Rome:
Stupid. Josh Duhamel: only relevant due to his attractiveness and slight comedic timing. Kristen Bell: only like her because of Veronica Mars and that chick she played in Fan Boys.
High Point: John Heder and Pedro
Low Point: it's utter foolishness.

Leap Year:
Of course I would enjoy this movie. Matthew Goode, Irish accents...that's all it really was. When it comes to chick flicks, the only thing they take to win me over are foreign countries and foreign guys. Sad, but true.
High Point: Matthew Goode and the accent
Low Point: Amy Adams' wardrobe.

Nine:
Not really a big musical fan, but this one was pretty good. Most definitely enjoyed the different portrayals of the women. Found it highly amusing and entertaining. Especially liked Penelope Cruz and her whoriness, among others.
High Point: the jumps
Low Point: the guy (Guido?} and his singing/dancing.

THE MATRIX:
Self explanatory. This movie is a classic must-see awesome amazing movie that should be seen by all. Seriously. The Wachowski brothers were WAY ahead of their time. And people had the audacity to call Keanu gay. Those haters. Oh, and may I just say: Laurence Fishburne. Ah, love that guy. Eagerly await the new Predators. Should be a good remake.
High Point: the script, the EVERYTHING.
Low Point: trinity's clothes

Avatar: The Last Airbender
Oh LAHD! This was EPIC. And when I say epic, I mean it in the true sense of the word. Not like those stupid people who call everything epic, thus the word loses its meaning. No. This was awesome. If you've seen the cartoons, it was PERFECT. If you haven't, well....either you'll want to, or you'll just take back all of those mean and undeserving adjectives you had previously been characterizing M. Night Shamylan's films with. Yeah yeah we all know, the Happening sucked. So what? He's amazing.
High Point: Dev Patel (HOT) and seeing the cartoon come to life
Low Point: none.

Kick Ass:
EXCELLENT movie. Faintly reminiscent of Zombieland and Kill Bill...sort of like a fusion of the two, except with superheroes. In short: AWESOME.
High Point: the little girl who played Hit Girl and Nicholas Cage.
Low Point: all the f-bombs. it just didn't seem right with all the little kids.


Well...i suppose that's it for my movie rating synopsis whatever. I guess I'll go down some pepto now...

EY EY EY

I BEEN AROUND A FEW
TELL ME WHAT YOU SAY
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT TO

TELL ME WHERE THE LIGHT IS, YEH?

Class over.
Hello weekend.

tongue burning
bitter coffee
candid sights
singing highs
moves without
tides building
fires
fierce desire
morning wire
weekend wars and
pieces of
nothing
except
for
here

Oh Jenny. How could you say nothing was happening at all?

There so WAS somethin happening at all!

God my tongue BURNS. If I ever feel a sensation there it'll be a miracle.
Well probably not.
But...what if stuff doesn't taste the same?

Damn.
I really don't want to pack. I just wanna sit here and listen to VU sing about how alright it was.
But you know what God says about laziness...

lo

"Day burns down to night
Burns the edge of my soul
In the night I break into sparks of suns
And become fires in a dust of bones
Night knifes
My breath swallows whole my tongue
Turn back
Reverse return
In the night I see the real
Concealed in the day's bright lie
Eyes stitched shut
White teeth smile
Sleep walks and talks
And feet mark time of day."

Reality

Reality Carpinteria is a great church.

You know how you read about them in the Bible? Like about the Corinthians and the Ephesians and how Paul speaks about them, how he wished to be renewed in Christ, in the Spirit, and how he would be encouraged by these churches? These churches who were living the life the way it should be lived through Christ and through the Spirit?

Well, Reality is like that. Only they, like Paul, want more. They want to go deeper. That's always the recurring assertion, the new call. "Ask and you shall receive." Pressing deeper into God, into the Spirit driven life. It's awesome. It's a life that God wants us to have. Constantly seeking Him and depending only on Him.

Here's the most recent message from Reality Adorn, which is for a college gathering every Friday at Reality Carpinteria. I am mesmerized and so inspired by the way that the word is taught and spoken about every Friday.

Take a look.

Romans 16:24-25 "Soli Deo Gloria!" from chris lazo on Vimeo.

I once heard

some idiot say that there was no good music in the 90s.

What a douche.



And then he was surprised when I told him that I liked VU.

Totally lacking in depth, in my opinion. But that's just me.

movie-night

Just saw Remember Me.

You know the one. The one with some weird disfigured looking guy that we (and when I say we, I mean nearly all womankind) find incredibly attractive (i.e. Robert Pattinson).

Yeah...it's all coming back now.

Well...I must say I was very pleasantly surprised.

Kinda had a Cruel Intentions vibe to it, in my opinion. Good movie. Not as good as Cruel Intentions, but still very good.

Which leads me to those times in life, you know those times. When everything is going to shit and you can barely hold it together...but then something happens. Something awesome. Something that can only happen in LIFE. And it's so funny, so awesome, so bitter-sweet...that you just want to laugh and cry and the joy is overwhelming. I call it God, some call it random or coincidence. Not so. But that doesn't change the fact that we all feel it, we all experience it.

I'm too tired to write anything good right now, but I'll leave you with this:



God given music-thoughts, feeling-highs, bitter-sighs, character-deja-vus seem strange to you,
metaphor it's life don't you see? peace and joy and hap-pi-ness
laughter smiles and sweet caress.
beauty in the smallest insignificance.