brouillons, brouillons...
Everything seems to want to tear my away from art history right now. Not that I don't love it, but my dear darling, writing papers is just tedium extraordinaire.
Ah well.
But alas, it must be endured. I'm sitting in the sun right now, by the window in the living room. It's streaming in beautifully, warming my popsicle-stick fingertips which never seem to manage warmth when I'm in my apartment. Place seems like the godammned Arctisk. I'm ready for it though, wrapped in my spidey blanket that I stole from home. I miss home. It calls to me with the fragrant sweetness of a rare wine. Sigh. Home is where the heart is, do they not say? Well, my heart is dead, petrified and preserved somewhere, but home I most definitely do yearn for.
My God the sun feels heavenly. I kid you not, my fingers remind me of Jack Skellington whenever I'm here. 'Twould behoove me to invest in gloves. But I'm stupid, because whenever I'm at a place where there ARE gloves, I somehow convince myself that I don't need them, that I need something else. Like a skirt, or a jacket. Which I have already.
Ok. Well I'd better get back to Bruegel and Poussin, I suppose. Poor old deceased souls are calling me up from the grave.
And then when I'm done with this stupid paper, I'll learn how to play this song, which is great.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
To-day
Ah. The worst part of it. I can’t really think of it right now. But I know there’s definitely a “worst” part. No doubt about that.
Lord.
Alright. So earlier today, then.
Stupidity of mine, I love to just walk in on people, confidently do I sidle up and expect something clever to just burst forth from those lips of mine.
So there I go, I see you, there’s naught else to do but to go for it. Right?
Right. So I go for it. La deeh dah. Creepy. That’s what I must seem. Silently do I walk up next to him, oh look, a look of confusion.
On my face, that is.
What are you doing here? You should be there, I say.
He says, why are you looking over there, I’m not there. I’m not there.
I’m not here. Lord God in heaven, I am slain from day one and still to this day I can’t push that away.
We talk. Useless, random words. Meaningless in their jargon, we try to seem elevated and soulful. We are intelligent, I grin, you smile. It’s easy and effortless, like breathing fresh air. It envelops your senses and makes you feel smart and calm and sly all at the same time. I am clever, but so are you. Ah wait, don’t play coy with me, those eyes say. The corner of the mouth smirks. I know what you want, I know what you’re doing. I’m not having it. And the timidity in my voice says, I want it. Longing and brutality.
Lord God in Heaven.
You’re so awesome. Is that what he said? I can’t be sure anymore, but I think I gave a nice loud and bewildered “why?” You tell me, little girl, is his condescending reply, dripping with whatever it is that gets me high off him. Can’t meet his eyes, that’s the worst part. I thought I was a big one, all talk and walk and strut and jump; not so. Not when I’m face to face with those things, I can barely breathe. Feel thirteen again. Feels stupid. But nice. Nice and oh so fine I want him to be mine.
And then, once again not sure of the how and why, but I remember he puts his hand on my face. Why? No clue. Consolation?
Perhaps. Ah yes, definitely. It’s all games. Role the die, blow on it, maybe you’ll get lucky. One step too close, maybe if I aim over here. I play. I’m ok. I could be better. I could be great. If only there wasn’t that little house-arrest factor that was like a goddamned brick sinking into the deep blue sea waiting to get lost in the sheer enormity of impossibility for me.
And thus, I am doubly slain. No pain no gain. Right?
Not really.
Lord.
Alright. So earlier today, then.
Stupidity of mine, I love to just walk in on people, confidently do I sidle up and expect something clever to just burst forth from those lips of mine.
So there I go, I see you, there’s naught else to do but to go for it. Right?
Right. So I go for it. La deeh dah. Creepy. That’s what I must seem. Silently do I walk up next to him, oh look, a look of confusion.
On my face, that is.
What are you doing here? You should be there, I say.
He says, why are you looking over there, I’m not there. I’m not there.
I’m not here. Lord God in heaven, I am slain from day one and still to this day I can’t push that away.
We talk. Useless, random words. Meaningless in their jargon, we try to seem elevated and soulful. We are intelligent, I grin, you smile. It’s easy and effortless, like breathing fresh air. It envelops your senses and makes you feel smart and calm and sly all at the same time. I am clever, but so are you. Ah wait, don’t play coy with me, those eyes say. The corner of the mouth smirks. I know what you want, I know what you’re doing. I’m not having it. And the timidity in my voice says, I want it. Longing and brutality.
Lord God in Heaven.
You’re so awesome. Is that what he said? I can’t be sure anymore, but I think I gave a nice loud and bewildered “why?” You tell me, little girl, is his condescending reply, dripping with whatever it is that gets me high off him. Can’t meet his eyes, that’s the worst part. I thought I was a big one, all talk and walk and strut and jump; not so. Not when I’m face to face with those things, I can barely breathe. Feel thirteen again. Feels stupid. But nice. Nice and oh so fine I want him to be mine.
And then, once again not sure of the how and why, but I remember he puts his hand on my face. Why? No clue. Consolation?
Perhaps. Ah yes, definitely. It’s all games. Role the die, blow on it, maybe you’ll get lucky. One step too close, maybe if I aim over here. I play. I’m ok. I could be better. I could be great. If only there wasn’t that little house-arrest factor that was like a goddamned brick sinking into the deep blue sea waiting to get lost in the sheer enormity of impossibility for me.
And thus, I am doubly slain. No pain no gain. Right?
Not really.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
the funniest thing is
when people try and figure you out.
Try making a piece of paper unwrinkled.
That's right: it's fucking impossible.
You know why?
Coz the minute we set foot on this Earth, the minute we begin to walk tall and proud upon it, we're weighed, measured, and found wanting.
Dated.
The rendez-vous?
Death.
Vous comprendrez?
Try making a piece of paper unwrinkled.
That's right: it's fucking impossible.
You know why?
Coz the minute we set foot on this Earth, the minute we begin to walk tall and proud upon it, we're weighed, measured, and found wanting.
Dated.
The rendez-vous?
Death.
Vous comprendrez?
Monday, February 14, 2011
"keepin time/time/time in-a-sort-of Rune-ic Rhyme."
In loving memory of my RIP-ing heart, this shall be posted. It had been gathering dust on file somewhere, but as it is a holly-day, then here I post this, in honor of that pagan mating ritual celebrated today, throughout the depressing as fuck-ridden world we live in. Happy VALEN-tines.
(FYI: this is rough. inspired by guess who. bet you can't. although, wouldn't be surprising seeing as how it's MY style, not his)
_______________________
"Broke"
________
Think about this for a second.
Just a second. A tiny little moment, a crack of time and sound. Like a bang. Or a boom.
Small and quick and simple.
Now picture it. That thing that keeps you up. Makes you toss and turn. Makes you want to dream longer. Makes you loath to awaken.
Makes the colors move behind your eyes. Makes them come alive.
Until they're something else entirely. Not just a thought, but a thing. Not just a wave, but a person. A some-thing, a some-one.
A time and a place.
She's burned into your mind. Or that place, it nags at your insides. Your stomach just dropped. Sharp pain in your gut, like a roller coaster. You just went down. Didn't want to, but did at the same time.
That's it. Very good. You know what I'm talking about now. It's right there. Illuminated.
You're burning now. The crack, the bang, the tick-tock of echoing water-drops at the back of your every waking thought. Al-ways.
Don't lie. You see it.
Think again. Is it yours yet? Got that pretty little picture?
Al-most.
(Maybe) You can nearly feel it, taste it, touch it. It's within your trem-bling fingertips it's so close.
Maybe not.
Maybe it's such a dream, you daren't even write it down, daren't even let this little crack of light and sound cross your mind. Maybe it keeps it's weak, dying self hidden away within the recesses of your terrified mind, of your wretched, aching soul.
Maybe your heart dies with it day by day, starving like a sickly little child. Maybe the child is you.
Bang.
It flickers. The colors are moving quickly now.
We don't do stop motion here.
We do life motion.
Crack.
Flicker. There it is again, that memory. Hold on to it, for one day it'll cost you your life. Keep it alive.
Fan the flame.
Turn back.
Flip the page.
Open the door.
Bat the axe.
Go down the rabbit hole.
It won't hurt.
It'll keep you alive.
It'll fuel your fire.
Just a snap.
Anything else will release the flood.
But not this.
Play it again.
Repeat. Restart.
Re-gur-gi-tate.
Click.
Tick.
Drip.
Just another spoonful of sugar.
Makes the medicine go down.
In an oh-so-frightful way.
Ok.
Now stop.
Keep at that there long enough and you just might make it out alive.
______
-Property of NV, VIOLENCIA Y VALENTIA SANGRIENTA PERJUDICADA LLAMADA NICO-LE. MI-O UNICO, CONSTRUIDA DE ESTA MENTE, MIERDA DE CEREBRO QUE NO SABE HACER NADA NI CONTSTRUIR NADA, SOLAMENTE HABLAR Y DECIR Y MANDAR Y MATAR COSAS EN SU MENTE. Y EN SU CORAZON DE VIOLETAS ROJAS E AZULES ULTRAMARINAS.
(FYI: this is rough. inspired by guess who. bet you can't. although, wouldn't be surprising seeing as how it's MY style, not his)
_______________________
"Broke"
________
Think about this for a second.
Just a second. A tiny little moment, a crack of time and sound. Like a bang. Or a boom.
Small and quick and simple.
Now picture it. That thing that keeps you up. Makes you toss and turn. Makes you want to dream longer. Makes you loath to awaken.
Makes the colors move behind your eyes. Makes them come alive.
Until they're something else entirely. Not just a thought, but a thing. Not just a wave, but a person. A some-thing, a some-one.
A time and a place.
She's burned into your mind. Or that place, it nags at your insides. Your stomach just dropped. Sharp pain in your gut, like a roller coaster. You just went down. Didn't want to, but did at the same time.
That's it. Very good. You know what I'm talking about now. It's right there. Illuminated.
You're burning now. The crack, the bang, the tick-tock of echoing water-drops at the back of your every waking thought. Al-ways.
Don't lie. You see it.
Think again. Is it yours yet? Got that pretty little picture?
Al-most.
(Maybe) You can nearly feel it, taste it, touch it. It's within your trem-bling fingertips it's so close.
Maybe not.
Maybe it's such a dream, you daren't even write it down, daren't even let this little crack of light and sound cross your mind. Maybe it keeps it's weak, dying self hidden away within the recesses of your terrified mind, of your wretched, aching soul.
Maybe your heart dies with it day by day, starving like a sickly little child. Maybe the child is you.
Bang.
It flickers. The colors are moving quickly now.
We don't do stop motion here.
We do life motion.
Crack.
Flicker. There it is again, that memory. Hold on to it, for one day it'll cost you your life. Keep it alive.
Fan the flame.
Turn back.
Flip the page.
Open the door.
Bat the axe.
Go down the rabbit hole.
It won't hurt.
It'll keep you alive.
It'll fuel your fire.
Just a snap.
Anything else will release the flood.
But not this.
Play it again.
Repeat. Restart.
Re-gur-gi-tate.
Click.
Tick.
Drip.
Just another spoonful of sugar.
Makes the medicine go down.
In an oh-so-frightful way.
Ok.
Now stop.
Keep at that there long enough and you just might make it out alive.
______
-Property of NV, VIOLENCIA Y VALENTIA SANGRIENTA PERJUDICADA LLAMADA NICO-LE. MI-O UNICO, CONSTRUIDA DE ESTA MENTE, MIERDA DE CEREBRO QUE NO SABE HACER NADA NI CONTSTRUIR NADA, SOLAMENTE HABLAR Y DECIR Y MANDAR Y MATAR COSAS EN SU MENTE. Y EN SU CORAZON DE VIOLETAS ROJAS E AZULES ULTRAMARINAS.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
FANTASIES
IN THE DISTANCE IS A FAR-OFF LIGHT
THAT SHINES SO GREEN AND OH SO BRIGHT
AND AS I READ THIS TALE OF DREAMS
THIS LIFE OF MINE SO AS ONE SEEMS
THESE BRIGHT LIGHTS AND SOUNDS AMISS
IN THIS ROOM, YET HINT OF BLISS
OR IS IT MINE OWN IMAGING
TO SEEK TO FIND THAT FAR-OFF THING?
AND YET THE WIND HOWLS LONG ECHO THERE
AGAIN IT SIGHS AND SCREECHES AIR
I LOOK BACK UP, BEHOLD THAT LIGHT
AND DISAPPEARED IT FROM MY SIGHT
YET I HAVE HAD NO CHANCE TO MOURN
IT'S LOSS FOR ONCE AGAIN IT'S FORM
AND THERE IT IS YET REAPPEARED
AS I DESIRE IT SO NEAR
WOULD LEAVE THIS PLACE AND SEEK IT NOW
WERE NOT THE FEAR OF BREAKING VOW
AND THOUGH TIS DARK AND COLD AND LONE
IT CALLS TO ME, DESIRED KISS
FROM WHOSE DEAR LIPS I HAVE BUT THIS
IMAGE, DREAM-LIKE WITHIN THIS MIND
KNOWS OF IT NOT, NOR OF ITS KIND
FOR FEAR IS MINE UPON REVEAL...
AND HUMBLED, SMALL I STAND
DESIRING TOUCH UPON THIS HAND
THOSE EYES, THAT BEAUTY SO FINE
OH GAZE UPON THESE MINE
AND LET FORCE THUS INTERTWINE
THAT SHINES SO GREEN AND OH SO BRIGHT
AND AS I READ THIS TALE OF DREAMS
THIS LIFE OF MINE SO AS ONE SEEMS
THESE BRIGHT LIGHTS AND SOUNDS AMISS
IN THIS ROOM, YET HINT OF BLISS
OR IS IT MINE OWN IMAGING
TO SEEK TO FIND THAT FAR-OFF THING?
AND YET THE WIND HOWLS LONG ECHO THERE
AGAIN IT SIGHS AND SCREECHES AIR
I LOOK BACK UP, BEHOLD THAT LIGHT
AND DISAPPEARED IT FROM MY SIGHT
YET I HAVE HAD NO CHANCE TO MOURN
IT'S LOSS FOR ONCE AGAIN IT'S FORM
AND THERE IT IS YET REAPPEARED
AS I DESIRE IT SO NEAR
WOULD LEAVE THIS PLACE AND SEEK IT NOW
WERE NOT THE FEAR OF BREAKING VOW
AND THOUGH TIS DARK AND COLD AND LONE
IT CALLS TO ME, DESIRED KISS
FROM WHOSE DEAR LIPS I HAVE BUT THIS
IMAGE, DREAM-LIKE WITHIN THIS MIND
KNOWS OF IT NOT, NOR OF ITS KIND
FOR FEAR IS MINE UPON REVEAL...
AND HUMBLED, SMALL I STAND
DESIRING TOUCH UPON THIS HAND
THOSE EYES, THAT BEAUTY SO FINE
OH GAZE UPON THESE MINE
AND LET FORCE THUS INTERTWINE
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